Fear isn't always right. Stop giving it free rein.

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These past few months have been exhausting. I have had company in town for a little over 3 months straight, left my therapy practice to pursue Adversity Rising full time, launched several new programs, spoke at some awesome events, frantically dealt with some scary mom moments including a big fall, her first battle with croup, and tons of exciting ways she is exploring her independence and burgeoning emotional and social awareness. Oh, and there is still a pandemic going on, so, you know, all of that mess, too.

There have been major highs and exciting new ventures coupled by invitations and challenges to sit in and work through shame I had long since thought I dealt with. And looming over all of this has been this pervasive presence of fear and anxiety.

What am I scared of?

Well, besides the realization that being a parent means living with a consistent level of anxiety and uncertainty…

Failing.

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Failure is a privilege we should all take advantage of.

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This time of the pandemic has been filled with failures — personal, professional, communal, global — and it is time we start to reframe the way we think about and respond to them.


I have spent most of my life fearing failure — believing it is a sign of weakness or a testament to low self-worth. Everything I did had to be perfect (or as close to perfect as it could be). I expected A’s in every class, success in every venture, and for every plan or intention to be idyllic. If I set off with a goal or idea, there was little to no flexibility and changing course seemed like the furthest thing from possible in my mind. After all, if you get it right the first time, why should anything have to change?

Looking back on it, it seems ridiculous! To expect everything to be perfect is already bonkers but to think it should be that way right out the gate?

It takes Everly tens…even hundreds of times of trying something before she has mastered it. And do I get mad or think she is somehow less worthy because she has “failed” along the way? Absolutely not! In fact, seeing her respond to failures is one of my greatest joys in being her mom. I can see her learning patience, studying her mistakes, adapting, and pivoting as she continues on her journey. But for some reason, that excitement and leaning into failure gets lost on us as we get older.

Why is that?

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Striving for Certainty Only Breeds Stagnancy — Stop Letting Fear Drive the Bus

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As humans, our brains are hard-wired to avoid discomfort.

The fear part of our brain is the dominant driver in that goal. It acts to keep us safe by eliminating possibility and uncertainty as it equates them with threats to our safety.

When faced with ambiguity, our brain works quickly to assess the likelihood of a negative outcome. And fear, being the conservative that it is, never plays a game of risk.

If there is any possibility of a negative result, we feel an immediate pressure to withdraw or hide.

"Go back - it's not worth it," our fear calls to us.

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Don't Ignore The Toddler: The Ways Your Anxiety Will Demand To Be Heard

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We’ve all been through it — directly or not: the toddler demanding attention, calling out for a response when you just need a minute.

“Mom. Mom. Moooooom. M-M-M-Mom. MOM!”

They just want your attention and even though you are just finishing one quick text or getting the food in the oven and will be right with them, that is not fast enough. They have waited…or at least to them it feels like they have waited…and now they want your attention NOW.

This metaphor is a perfect example of your anxiety. All of us have it — the severity may vary but it is there.

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How To Trick Your Brain Into Seeing Anxiety As Excitement

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Did you know that fear and anxiety elicit the exact same physiological response as excitement?

Yep. It’s true.

The only difference is whether or not you assign a "positive" or "negative" correlation to it.

So, the next time you are about to do something that leaves you feeling uneasy, anxious and unsure…

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